After everything we've been through
by castlefang
Summary: Castle and Beckett have been through so much, but never this...
"There you are. I was wondering where you were." Castle said to his wife as he joined her out on their balcony. He almost never used this outdoor space. It was a nice amenity but the ambient noise made it hard to relax. And after Kate's run in with Maddox all those years ago, such a feature was somewhat wasted in their home.

"I love this time of year. The days are warm and the evenings are cool and refreshing." Kate replied as she tucked her chin into a blanket.

"We could always go to the Hamptons for the weekend," he suggested.

"No. I am happy to be home. I guess _that_ is home too. But, even though we've not gone anywhere, I've missed this place."

"Well, you were on hiatus for a while. From the loft, that is. And from us too, for a short while anyway" he added with a slight pout as he slid onto the loveseat with his wife.

"Castle, I-I am sorry about that. I never wanted to-" she faltered as she cast her eyes away.

"No, no, Kate. I was just kidding-I mean not about the hurt. But, I can get past that. I am past that. I just-I was just-" he continued apologetically.

"Castle, its ok. I get it," she said as her eyes sought his out while simultaneously reaching out for his hand. "I guess with all the ongoings, I feel like we just have not been ourselves. Almost as if, as if we don't know each other, uncertain where we stand with each other."

"What do you mean?" Castle asked as his brow furrowed worriedly.

"I don't know." She reached out and ran her hand down his face and then just as suddenly tugged him closer towards her blanketed body "I guess that ever since I became Captain, or rather since the events that followed that event, we've been different, not us. Not the us we've always been. I don't know why I can't speak today or why I can't articulate myself," she laughed as she snuggled into the warmth of her husband. "What I am trying to say is that for the first time in a long time, I feel good about us. Wait. Let me amend that. I have always felt good about us, even when we weren't an 'us'. I have just felt the last few months were strange for us. Whether it was my leaving you or our undercover relationship or this whole Loksat bullshit, I've just felt this insurmountable space between us. Even after I moved back home." Kate let out a breath.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I've felt that a bit too. But, I just told myself it was me being needy. I mean when you left, that sucked. That really, really sucked, But even after the truth came to light, it seemed as if we stopped being each other's shadow. I guess I was always the shadow but eventually _we_ grew into it. We became partners. And with all that has gone on this year last year, I had to find a new gig."

"God forbid you do something with your day other than annoy me- no, no stop—stop, I was just-Castle! Stop tickling me-"

"Say uncle!"

"What? No, just-" and suddenly the tables were turned and Kate had Castle's wrist behind his back.

"Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!"

"You are so easy!," Kate said as she let go of his wrist and hugged her husband from behind. She rested her chin on his broad back as he dropped down onto the cushion. They stayed there for a few minutes in silence, neither one moving away to find a more conventional position.

"Seriously, Castle." Kate continued as she sat up. "I want to live our life already. The life we planned. The life I never imagined until you. The life I did not even know I wanted, until you. I don't want to chase demons and hell, even justice seems futile, when I start to consider the cost. I am not saying I don't think… I am saying that…Castle, I did not want to tell you like this. Why am I tripping over my own words here? Ok, here we go. Castle, I.."

"Kate," Castle started to sit up as he turned to face his wife. "Kate, what's going on?"

"Castle, I am pregnant. I thought it was just the lack of sleep. I thought we'd been careful. I thought we had time to do this right, but now I—I am just so excited and I find myself daydreaming already and—" Kate was cut off by the her husband's lips on hers.

"I love you. I love this! Oh my God this is so awesome. How long have you known? When did you find out? I'm the first person you've told about this, right? Lanie doesn't know before me, right? Oh man this is so freakin awesome, right?" he rambled on as he stood up and continued to gesture wildly, leaving her on the small couch with the blanket pooled on the floor around her feet and a smile plastered on her face. And then just as suddenly he was on his haunches in front of her grasping her hands. "I mean you're happy, right? You just said you were excited and I swear Kate up until that very second I was holding my breath and—" now it was her turn to silence him.

"Castle," she breathed as she pulled away. "Castle, I am so happy, I feel stupid. I am not sure how to describe how I feel. I know I don't feel pregnant. I took a test this afternoon. Well, I took two tests because there were two in the box, and I figured I might as well be extra sure."

"Should we get more? There is a rite-aid right on the corner. I could see it from here."

"What are you going to do, rappel down?" She asked as she looked down at their still intertwined fingers. "No, Castle two tests are more than enough. False positives are rare. Besides, I know my body and things are getting—things are changing." She finished in a stage whisper.

"No, really Castle I'm good. I mean to say," she cleared her throat a bit, "I am fairly certain we are all systems go here. And besides we'll have confirmation by Thursday, After the test, or rather tests, I booked an appointment with my gynecologist. Thursday was the earliest I could get."

"I have a meeting with Black Pawn Thursday afternoon at one, but I can cancel." Castle offered as he sat next to his wife.

"Well, that depends on how long your meeting will be. I have a 4:30 with Dr. Amirata. Her office is on 39th and sixth."

"Perfect, my meeting should be over by three so I can head over and grab us a seat."

"A seat? We're not going to go catch a game, Castle. Besides the point of an appointment is to not sit around unnecessarily."

"I know I am just so excited. Do you know what this means? We have to pick out a name."

"Not Cosmo. Not going to happen, Castle!" She laughed as she swatted his chest with the back of her hand. And then tears started to make their way down her face. Castle's hands were there to catch the first tears. "I'm sorry." She said as she tried to compose herself. "I just don't know how to blend all the aspects of my life sometimes. And while Loksat has been exposed. And we seem well on our way to riding off into the sunset. I know that there is always another story around the corner and I love that. I love what I do, what I've done. but I can't fuck this up, Castle. I won't get any do-overs. And what about you? What I have done to you-"

"What you've done for me is inexplicable, but I don't want to talk about me. Lets talk about you for a moment. Kate, you are stubborn and you are driven and you excel at everything you do. What would make you think this is something you can't get done? And as far as we're concerned, there are no concerns. Not for me anyway. For a while there, when you left me, I felt so lost. Then you let me in once again and well, I said I was not going to talk about me, so. Anyway you are going to be great at this and I have no doubt that you will find a balance between all the facets of your life." He said as he placed a kiss on her head. Kate melted into his arms and let the tension roll away. "And you're fearless. That will between good. We're going to need that."


End file.
